C’mon Baby, Relight My Fire

It had been one of those days that left me physically and emotionally drained. Bone-tired and preparing dinner, I looked over at my girls, 3 and 5, who were parked in front of the TV. It was a welcome respite after they’d spent the previous hour hounding me for more snacks and arguing with each other. My husband, Chris, was stuck in traffic and running late, so I started on the kids’ dinner first.

After the girls ate, I noticed something brown on my shirtsleeve. Had I given either one of them chocolate today? My 3-year-old had needed help wiping when she went earlier. Hmmm…Push that thought aside. When Chris finally walked through the door, he looked exhausted. He’d just spent the past three days working a trade show, where he’d been standing for hours at a time, talking endlessly to customers and taking clients out for late dinners, only to face emails and paperwork when he returned to his hotel room.

For the rest of the evening, we went through the motions of eating, clearing plates, bathing the girls, getting them into their pajamas and helping them brush their teeth. By the time we read them bedtime stories and put out the lights, sleep sounded like a divine idea to both of us too. It’s hard to remember that only a few short years ago, at that time of night we’d probably be hitting the sheets for more interesting reasons than the need for shut-eye. But it’s hard to feel turned-on when you’re running a household, playing cruise director for two small children, and constantly feeling like you accomplished nothing at the end of the day.

Whether you have kids in the mix or very busy careers (or both), it can be tricky to find the time and energy that’s necessary to maintain a balanced relationship with your partner. It seems like so much is competing for our attention—jobs, kids, pets, household chores, to name a few—but what about the person who mattered most at one point? Remember how simple life was before you became parents? Remember how you dined out, snuggled together watching movies, or took long naps on the weekends? Oh, and yes, how you had sex.

Whenever my husband and I start to feel like our relationship is taking a backseat to all of life’s responsibilities, we take a break and try to reconnect. Our most recent effort was planning a vacation without the kids, but there are many ways to try to recapture some of the magic you used to feel. Here, 10 ideas to get you started.

1. Take a vacation together. It doesn’t matter if you travel to some far-flung, exotic location or simply take a weekend trip to a nearby city. The point is to skip town where your only worry is what you will wear (or not wear) and where you will eat.

2. Bring back date night. Remember when you first started dating? All the places you dined and long, uninterrupted conversations by candlelight? Time may be hard to come by these days, and babysitters may be expensive, but prioritizing regular couple time at least once a month can be one of the best investments you make for your relationship. And the mere act of putting couple time on the calendar gives you something to look forward to—and isn’t anticipation one of the biggest aphrodisiacs?

3. Put the kids to bed on time. Even if you can’t get out, maintain a healthy family schedule that means the children are in bed at a regular time. And after they (finally) fall asleep, make sure you and your partner don’t retreat to separate rooms to write bills or catch up on work. Set the time when you’ll both close your laptops and cozy up on the couch to watch a movie or a new TV show you’ve both been meaning to check out. Laugh, cry or shake with fear and turn a good one-liner from the movie into your own private ongoing joke with your mate.

4. Motivate each other. It started with my husband leaving me encouraging notes in my car when I switched jobs. You can do it! Kick some tail today! So I started doing the same for him, tucking sweet little words into his briefcase or jacket before he left for work. Inspiration and humor—not to mention finding a sexy love note in a coat pocket after a grueling meeting or conference call—can make anyone feel like taking on the world.

5. Celebrate the milestones. Make a point of celebrating important dates such as anniversaries and birthdays, but put some thought into it. Each year, my husband buys a miniature version of our wedding cake from the same bakery we ordered it from originally. We enjoy the cake and then bring out the wedding album. Looking through the pictures together and reminiscing about the details from that day bring a smile to our faces and make us realize how fast the time has actually passed.

It’s hard to feel turned-on when you’re running a household, playing cruise director for two small children, and constantly feeling like you accomplished nothing at the end of the day.

6. Get touchy-feely. Sometimes we’re so busy that we actually forget the power of physical contact, but a hug or kiss can instantly make you feel more connected. Offer to give your spouse a back rub or foot rub while you’re watching TV—multitasking at its finest. And don’t be afraid to show some affection for each other in front of the kids. Whenever my husband and I hug, hold hands or kiss in front our daughters, they both smile. These little acts of affection show them that we love each other and that, in turn, gives them a stronger sense of security: We are solid. We are a family.

7. Disconnect—in order to connect. These days, it’s so tempting to keep that smartphone or laptop at an elbow’s length. But before you get wrapped up in another round of Candy Crush or a friend’s Facebook updates, be careful you’re not neglecting the real-life connections sitting right in front of you. When your spouse comes through the door, put down the gadgets and be there for a welcome-home kiss. If he has exciting news to share, or had a bad day and needs to vent, do the respectful thing and listen. Never, repeat never, text each other from separate rooms in the house when you could be talking face to face.

8. Make dinner together. Usually one of us makes dinner and the other does the dishes, but it’s fun sometimes to plan and make a meal together. I’m always amazed to see how well we work together in the kitchen; I season the steaks, and then he tackles the grilling while I start on the salad. Bonus points: Have the kids set and clear the table.

9. Get your heart racing. Studies show that engaging in an exciting activity that gets your heart rate up can actually release the same chemicals in your body that were prevalent during that oh-so-sweet infatuation stage. Stuff like skydiving, zip-lining, or even riding motorcycles can raise your endorphin and dopamine levels and make you feel like you’re falling in love again. Take turns selecting the activity, and be a good sport when your partner picks something that may not have been your first choice. Remember, the unknown is even more exciting.

10. Schedule sex. Gone are the exciting days of making out in parked cars, but that’s OK. Pick a night of the week and hop to it. You’ll find that even if you’re not in the mood when you start, you’ll be into it in no time.

A final way to reconnect each and every day is to make sure to utter those three little words—“I love you.” You can say it to each other before you hang up the phone, or right before you both fall asleep, or anytime just because you feel like it.

The bottom line is that a good partnership takes effort, and anyone who pretends otherwise is in denial. But if you take the time to do a few simple things, life will suddenly be a lot more fun. Have any other ideas? Share them with us here.