Those of us who are still out there in the market love to swap stories about all the quirky crimes men commit before, during and after a date. Admittedly, our critiques begin before we even meet them, as we voyeuristically search their online profiles for their selfies—self portraits taken while they’re staring into the bathroom mirror or posing in their geek caves—and then rip them apart for their poor judgment and reality-show-worthy depictions (come on, we all do it). Then, when we actually meet up with one of these guys, we may be subjected to all kinds of interesting behavior that gives us more complaint fodder: ungentlemanly manners, booty calls, delays in returning phone calls, not having a plan for the first date (“Uh, so what do you want to do tonight?”), or even learning that the guy has dated everyone we know. By this time, we have an endless number of stories to exchange with our girlfriends.
At some point I had to ask myself: Are we women just as bad? Are guys just as analytical and dumbfounded about our behavior? I decided to find out by asking my male friends and former dates to reveal their biggest pet peeves about us. Here are their top complaints—listen up, ladies.
Ditch the slutty selfies. I thought I knew why women tend to take self portraits from up high—to hide a double chin, right? But according to one of my male friends, who I believe took pleasure in pointing out my naïveté, the reason has nothing to do with creating the illusion of better bone structure. According to him, women aim the camera down in order to pump up the size of their racks, which could explain why the women in photos taken from this angle are usually wearing a low-cut T, or have quite a few shirt buttons undone. Here I was trying to make myself appear thinner, while other women are trying to look more bulked up—in areas other than their face.
Let us drive. Men appreciate that we are powerful and self-sufficient. They really do. But sometimes they just want to be in charge—and would it kill us to let them? According to the men I talked to, a smart woman knows how to make her idea his idea. I once heard on a talk show that if a woman drives the courtship period, she often ends up doing all the work in the marriage and finds herself feeling resentful, unfulfilled and unappreciated. So why not let your guy open the car door for you, pay for a meal, or decide on a movie once in a while? A guy I once dated told me that men also still find it sexy to lead on the dance floor. After our first private dance lesson together, he complimented me on my ability to follow his moves. Apparently he had danced with many women who hadn’t been as willing to give up the reigns, especially when it came to embracing some of the sexier moves.
Don’t treat us like you’re casing the joint. Big cities tend to attract type A personalities: big degrees, big jobs, refined tastes and high expectations. Let’s face it, most of us professional women are already making it in our own, so we’re looking for someone who can at least be on equal par with us. Some of my guy friends talk about feeling like they’re constantly being cased like a house ready to be robbed. They say their dates spend a lot of time “interviewing” them about the things they own and the salaries they make, instead of focusing on what kind of people they are. Many of these men say they’ve given up on city girls, and some have ended up marrying less-complicated women with strong values and not-so-demanding tastes.
We don’t (necessarily) want to be your rebound guy. My male friends tell me that, from their experience, recently divorced women need at least a year after their marriage or breakup before they’re dateable. Of course, there are exceptions and some women hit the ground running after a long-overdue separation. But in general, some time off would probably do you good before you go off looking for Mr. Right. Basically, no guy who’s after more than sex wants to be your “transition guy.” And if you are looking for a rebound guy—and hey, more power to you—I guarantee he’ll be easy to find.
Make up your mind: Do you want a relationship or a Bad Boy? This may surprise some women, but some of the relationship-material guys who do act like gentlemen are often disappointed or angry when women fail to appreciate them or acknowledge their efforts. Many of my male friends have told me stories about being shot down for either not waiting to call or for phoning consistently. They’ve also been sneered at for their courtship efforts, such as opening the door for their date, or for their moral code, including a desire to be exclusive or not wanting to rush into sex. Sure, some of these women may not have felt any chemistry with their dates. But in the end, remember that it’s hard to find a nice guy if you’re continually chasing the other kind—you know, the one who keeps breaking your heart.
Be yourself. Men say they want you to present the real you—not just in terms of your profile photo, but also in your online dating profile and in what you tell them when they finally meet you. A lot of guys say they are not interested in pursuing women who don’t post photos, and some admit they would even make judgments about you based on your profile, such as whether you appear self centered, genuine, insecure or happy. You know the phrase What is for you will not pass you by?” That says it all.
Let us please you. Many women are shocked to learn that most guys are happy when we’re happy. But really, when we’re relaxed and having fun, they are able to enjoy themselves too. And of course this strokes their ego. So make it easy on your man: Smile, tell him how much you appreciate the thought and effort he put into the evening, and end the night with some kind of thank you—exactly what is up to you. After all, you could do worse than ending up with a nice guy who wants to please you.
—Marian Mullally is a professional community builder specializing in marketing, event strategy and online networking.
