6 Ingredients Every Bollywood Film Needs

So you think Bollywood is all about song and dance? You think it’s about saree-clad men and women striking poses that aren’t usually seen outside an extreme breakdancing video? About eardrum-shattering shriek songs that go on for five minutes or more, several times within a single movie? If that’s how you define Bollywood, I can’t disagree with you. However, there’s so much more to learn about these all-too-predictable, yet highly entertaining Indian films.

Here, we will attempt to demystify Bollywood for you. But before we explain what this genre is really about, please note: The Namesake does not count as a Bollywood film, and neither does Slumdog Millionaire. To qualify as a true Bollywood movie, the film must have several important ingredients:

1. The Hero: Every authentic Bollywood film employs this essential character. A typical Bollywood hero must be able to do the following: fight like Bruce Lee, dance like Fred Astaire and Michael Jackson rolled into one, lip-sync like Justin Bieber, cry like Glenn Beck, romance like Casanova and, if he has any time left over and isn’t dying of exhaustion, maybe act a little. The hero is also invincible: He can fight 25 men at a time without ever being hit by a bullet and without any punch landing anywhere near him. OK, sometimes the bullets penetrate, but a good hero can go on for a while with about 15 slugs inside him, at least until the police arrive.

As to be expected, the Bollywood hero has the physique of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger and the hair (or wig) of Hugh Grant. A kick from the hero must send the bad guy flying at least 29 feet. A hero also can usually race a car, fly a plane and ride horses—without prior training. He’s always the good guy and even if he does end up killing a few dozen people over the course of the film and inevitably stalk the heroine, his heart is always in the right place.

2. The Heroine: The heroine in a standard Bollywood film usually appears in about 15 minutes of the non-musical part of the movie, plus stars in four musical numbers. She’s usually at least 20 years younger than the hero, drop-dead gorgeous and looks like she spends all day, every day, at the gym and beauty salon. Whether she’s rich or poor, she suffers from a fabric allergy (at least during the first half of the film) that forces her to wear as few items of clothing as possible. One would feel sorry for her, were it not for the fact that the few wispy clothes she does wear are exquisite designer duds.

The Bollywood heroine is, like all women, an extreme multi-tasker. She can dance from any corner of the world, often in the middle of a field or atop a snowy mountain. She is the ideal wife and daughter-in-law. She may work as a doctor or a nuclear scientist, but she never lets that get in the way of her song, dance and romance duties. She is also very individualistic and marches to her own drum beat. If she is in the aforementioned snowy mountains, she doesn’t succumb to warm woolens like some loser, but dances around in a bikini. However, once she has been “accepted” by the hero and his family, her allergy vanishes and she must dress exclusively in more matronly outfits that cover her from head to toe.

3. The Villain: Every real Bollywood film explores the conflict between good and evil. Therefore, the villain is as ubiquitous to the film as the hero and heroine. The typical Bollywood villain is flamboyant and pure evil. No shades of gray for him; he’s bad through and through. He lives in a “den” inspired by the Bond films and has many henchmen. He’s obliged by contract to rape/molest at least five women in every film, including the hero’s sister (the role is often cast only for that purpose) He has an maniacal laugh that’s heard often throughout the movie. He always has a moll who wears a blonde wig and is usually called Mona or Rosy.

4. The Family: Indians love family and Bollywood loves them even more. A Bollywood family consists of the hero’s father, mother, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, grandmother, grandfather, as well as several loyal retainers (butlers, maids and other household support) and a dog. They all live together in a mansion and sing, dance, fly kites and eat together. The heroine will, at some point in the film, single-handedly cook for all of them. She does this because she knows she must charm all of them if she wants to hero to marry her and save her from a sad spinster’s life (which, as everyone knows, is every woman’s worst nightmare).

However, before she does anything, the heroine must win the heart of the hero’s mother. The Bollywood hero loves his mother more than anything in the world. He worships her and will not even look at a woman Mommy may not like. Now, the heroine, due to her allergies (please refer to the paragraph above) does not qualify at first, so much time is spent on turning her into the kind of woman who will not outrage Mommy. This is quite simple, since all this matriarchal figure really wants is someone who looks beautiful, is appropriately dressed at all times and doesn’t speak a word.

5. Songs: Yes, yes, all Bollywood films must have at least five songs. Each film typically has a love song, a family song, a heroine-and-her-friends song, a group dance with 100 or so background dancers, and a bawdy “item number” or “item song.” This last ditty is usually presented as a music video of sorts, a spectacle featuring sexy actors and actresses in skimpy clothing performing suggestive dance moves. The number has a lot to do with the marketing of the film, but very little to do with the plot. And it usually marks the point in the movie when seasoned Bollywood viewers take their restroom breaks.

Some things to note about Bollywood song sequences:

• They rarely take place in India. Europe, especially Switzerland, is a popular destination. Why the cast has been transported to a foreign destination along with 200 background dancers is explained by making this part of the hero or heroine’s dream.
•  They involve at least five costume changes.
•  The hero and heroine always enter from different sides of the frame. They never arrive at a song site together.
•  The songs always involve props. Pots, fruits, cars and animals are some popular ones.
•  The songs involve impromptu but lengthy synchronized dancing, totally unpracticed by the cast in the earlier frames.

6. The Plot: Whom are we kidding? With all this other stuff going on, who really needs a plot? Who has time for one? If we’ve got a rich hero, a poor heroine, a loud villain, the right songs an dances, some cool fight sequences and the family dog, we’ve got it made. And certainly no one will notice if the story line’s MIA.

Please tell us what you think about Bollywood. Do you enjoy watching, and if so, what’s your favorite Bollywood movie?