Recently, I needed to say goodbye to someone special and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. This person wasn’t making me as much of a priority as I was making them. Their actions were not as loving as the words coming from their mouth. I gave this person several chances to treat me better, but they didn’t. So it was becoming more painful to have them in my life than to release them.
So I let go.
It wasn’t easy, because we had great chemistry and friendship. But one day, this person stepped on my heart just a little too hard and I knew I had to walk away. I’m in mourning right now, and I will probably feel the pull of this individual for a long time. And while I don’t know what the future holds, I do know that I must treat myself with kindness and respect in order to move on.
If you’ve just let go of someone, or are in the midst of deciding whether or not to call it quits, here are some aspects of the process to think about, as well as some strategies for coping with the misery.
Know when enough is enough. Maybe this someone has repeatedly disappointed you. Perhaps the relationship isn’t progressing the way you want, despite your best efforts to communicate. Perhaps you are putting more time and energy into the union than they are. The decision may be seem obvious to your head, but you’ve got to persuade your heart. The process often takes time, and it’s always painful.
How do you know when to give up the fight? It’s one thing if you’ve fallen completely out of love and can’t recapture the magic, despite your best efforts. In this case, you probably realize that once the ties have been severed you’ll be able to move on. But what if the love connection is there and the more “practical” stuff isn’t fusing? Maybe you want kids with someone who is unwilling to make that commitment, or perhaps you’re “in love” but throwing dishes at each other. What do you do when your heart and mind are at war?
One of the beautiful things about love is that it’s amazingly optimistic. And we can idealize someone who is unbelievably wrong for us. When we’re smitten, our minds can play tricks on us, leading us to make rationalizations for that person’s behavior and tell ourselves it’ll be different the next time. But remember, it takes two people to be committed. And it’s easier than you think to fall in love with the idea of someone, instead of who they actually are.
Ask yourself, what am I getting out of this relationship? Does it feed my soul, or drain me? Sometimes it’s hard to know when to quit. But your body knows. It responds to stress in a variety of ways, some subtle and some not so subtle. Are you losing or gaining weight? Do you feel anxious? Don’t ignore those revealing physical signs.
My final goodbye was accompanied by a flood of tears and a sinking feeling that it was really over this time. How did I know? Because the so-called “love of my life” said nothing to comfort me or prevent me from giving up. Maybe they were overwhelmed, maybe they were scared. Maybe they didn’t know how to give me what I needed. But the point is, they didn’t fight for me. They didn’t dignify me with a response, so I had to dignify myself by moving on.
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” —Hermann Hesse
Realize It’s a Death. Losing someone to death is out of your control. But letting go of someone who is alive and well is a hard choice that can feel equally devastating. Psychologists will tell you that breaking up with someone can feel like a death, with all its complex stages.
At first, you may be in denial—a stage that actually serves to protect you from the intensity of the loss. Then you might feel numb. But as you slowly acknowledge the impact of the loss, both the denial and the disbelief will gradually diminish.
In the next stage, which psychologists often call the “bargaining” period, you may have persistent thoughts about what more you could have done to prevent the loss, or become preoccupied with the good times you had together. Images of your loved one flood your mind and you might question your decision to walk away. I will probably always wonder if I should have stuck in there longer, as I will always be unsure if this person ever truly felt the same way I did. After all, how they could have been so affectionate and passionate and “into” me without seeing a future with me? How could they say that I was the love of their life, but then let me slip away? But as Pink sang, “Sometimes I think it’s better if you don’t ask why.” While exploring your role in a break-up can be a good way to learn about yourself, lingering in intense emotions like remorse or guilt can interfere with the healing process and keep you from moving on.
Depression is the next stage of grief, and it happens after you realize the true extent of your loss. Signs of depression may include sleep and appetite disturbances, a lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells. You might feel lonely, empty or sad. You may feel self-pity. Anger may be a part of this stage, too, especially if you felt powerless in the relationship or the situation. But remember that within you is an enormous well of power—a power that surges whenever you decide to take any self-worth-affirming action.
Allow yourself to heal. One day you’ll arrive at the final stage—acceptance. The quickest way to get there is by taking good care of yourself, both mentally and physically, while you heal. Because your energy is zapped from the emotional turmoil, all you may want to do is lie in bed and cry. And you will do that for a while. Cry your little heart out. Don’t pretend the pain is not there—let yourself feel it. Express yourself by writing in a journal or wailing on the phone with a good pal. But after a while, you know you’ve got to get up and get moving.
Take the dog on a walk, go on a hike, or do other activities you enjoy. Exercise has been proven to release feel-good chemicals within your body that can actually lighten your mood. Smile at people you meet in the neighborhood, or pick up the phone and chat with a good friend. Positive social interactions can boost your confidence and make you feel connected with the world outside your grief.
Look at the big picture. Remember that healing can take time. Some experts estimate you may be mourning for as long as half the time the relationship lasted. So go easy on yourself and realize it’s a process. Know that it’s OK to still love the person, miss them and think about them. But remind yourself that you are often fantasizing about the person you wanted them to be. And realize that some day, you will look back and realize you learned something about yourself from this experience. It may be something profound, or it may just be that you finally discovered what a broken heart feels like. But you will have learned something.
One day, you also may decide to be friends with this person. Or, if they ever find the courage and the capability to love you the way you wanted or needed to be loved the first time around, you may give the relationship another try. But right now, just strive to be compassionate with yourself and take it day by day. And know that letting go was the best decision you could make at the time, given what you had to work with.
Right now, I need to be alone as I try to “get over” this person. I know it won’t be easy. I have no idea if this individual misses me too, or fully comprehends the impact our relationship has had on me. I don’t know if we’ll ever try to reconcile, but I do know that things will need to be different if we ever do. Right now, just thinking about what could have been makes me want to climb into bed and cry into my pillow. But I won’t. Because right after I finish writing this, I’m heading outside to meet some friends for lunch and a hike in the woods. Maybe I won’t be so strong later today, but that pillow will still be there for me. And that’s OK too. Baby steps.
2014/11/19 at 8:46 pm
OMG, I am crying so much, this is so beautiful, and just what I needed to read right now. I just lost someone very special to me too, and I found so much comfort in your words and wisdom. Thank you.
2014/11/19 at 9:58 pm
My boyfriend and I broke up more than 5 times before he finally realized what it was I wanted from him. It wasn’t the ring, or the whole white picket fence thing. It was the security of knowing I was his 100 percent. Until you feel this, there’s just no way to move forward. We finally are giving it one more try, and so far so good. Fingers crossed.
2014/11/19 at 10:02 pm
CR, I’m so glad you enjoyed the story. Good luck to you guys and let us know how it turns out.
2014/11/21 at 6:24 pm
What kind of relationship was this? Sounds so heartbreaking. I just walked away from the love of my life too, for similar reasons. But he just called me last night and now I don’t know what to do. We’ve been down that road before. It’s so hard! I wish we could choose the people we fall for.
2014/11/22 at 12:04 am
I hate to tell you this but if they let you walk away, they don’t really love you.
2014/11/22 at 12:06 am
I agree, B.A. Some people will mentally torture who they’re with, until that person leaves. That’s because they didn’t have the courage to do it themselves. These are the worst kind of people so stay away from them.
2014/11/22 at 12:10 am
I don’t know, I think there are different circumstances and you have to do what feels right for you. All I know is, as a guy I would never want my last conversation with a woman to be one where she is crying, especially if I had said i love her. what kind of person does that?
2014/11/22 at 12:15 am
I say move on and find a new love! Life is short.
2014/12/09 at 3:03 pm
I hate saying goodbye, really!
2015/01/05 at 2:13 am
This hit spot on to what I just had to do. Glad to know I’m not the only one going through it.
2015/04/01 at 10:54 pm
Thank you for writing this. I am trying to let go of a man who I have just admitted to myself I love. It’s so hard, because we connect on so many different levels and we care for each other so much, but it isn’t going to work. It is so incredibly painful. Knowing we will need to say goodbye to each other. Thanks for giving me something to relate to and to help me guide me through this terrible grief I am feeling.
2015/07/31 at 7:55 am
Wow, I could have written every single word of this. It’s been four months since the day I decided enough was enough. We are meeting today, something has happened in his life where I know I need to tell him I’m ok and let him move on without guilt. This has given me strength to do this with kindness, and to tell him there’s nothing to forgive as I truly believe he did not mean to hurt me. This will be our final goodbye and when I say it, I will be saying it’s true meaning – God be with you and I will mean it with all that I am.
This kind of love teaches us. Despite the terrible pain, I would not wish to not have lived and lost in this way. I am actually looking forward to loving someone else, knowing what I have learned.
2015/08/20 at 3:22 am
Jellyfish, I just read your comment and I wish I knew how you got to that point. It’s only been four months for you — now I guess a little bit longer — but how did you know you could move on? How can you still much love for someone and not want to hold them when you see them? I would love to know how you did it.
2015/09/11 at 2:42 pm
Thank you for the advice! I’m about to leave…….. And just needed some reassurance!
Thank you! Needed it!
2015/09/16 at 12:42 pm
I can relate to this more than anything i have been reading to try and get through. I feel as if i am going insane. My person that i am trying to let go of, is pressuring me to let him “help me”. But he is the one who destroyed me. This is by far the most painful thing to do. I pray for the day to wake up and be ok. I pray for the agony of indesicion to disappear, and for me to just function on some level of normalcy.
Thank you for your words i will read daily until that te comes.
2015/11/03 at 12:51 am
I’m feeling your pain and am praying with you!!! Hang in there! God has a much bigger plan for you, my dear!!! Stay in Faith!!
2015/11/03 at 12:49 am
I don’t think I’ve ever heard it said to raw and honestly. I have cried through every paragraph. You completely understand and are helping others who face the same pain. It’s so painful. Ending a relationship is like a dagger to the heart. How do you know when it’s the right thing to do? How you do know the pain you’re inflicting on someone else? And if you choose to leave, where will you end up? I don’t want to end it, but I know he’s not the right one for me. He doesn’t give me what I need anymore. The man I met, is not the man he is today. He used to be attentive and loving and adorable! Now, I’m watching for any texts. I don’t want to be the only one loving. But I’m afraid of the loneliness and loss and heartache that comes with the final goodbye.
2015/11/06 at 8:01 pm
Good article and I like the quotes mentioned here. Another great one from Bono and U2: “There’s no failure here, sweetheart. Just when you quit.”
2015/12/07 at 8:36 am
Thank you so much for this… Every paragraph, it reminded me of the day i lost him too. We had the same experience as well. Although im still in the point of accepting the reality that he doesn’t really love me as much as i love him…
2016/01/01 at 12:33 pm
Wow.. i really needed to hear everything you wrote.. it was so hard to recognize that his love is toxic my soul.. i know deserve so much more.. Time to just let him go…. Thankyou for helping me finally realize that. I have way to much behind my smile that he fails to see.
2016/01/16 at 2:11 am
We broke up last year because we were both attached when we met. But always something about us felt so right, even though we knew it would be a challenge to make it work. I wanted to, but he was too scared at the prospect of failing at a relationship again. He was terrified. We never really fought about anything except the fact that I wanted to be a real couple and he wasn’t ready. He had already messed up a few things in his life and he was having trouble looking at himself in the mirror. I couldn’t take the agony of waiting for him to tell me he was his unconditionally, so I convinced myself he didn’t love me, even though I know deep down he loved me more than anyone he’s ever loved. I mourned for a year, but somehow I know it’s not over. We are each other’s soulmates, even if he is in denial about it for various reasons. Even if we don’t meet again in this life, I feel grateful to have met him and I know we will reunite in some way, sometime, I just don’t know how or when. I feel sorry for him, that he didn’t have the courage to face the intensity of meeting his soulmate in this lifetime. This is a great article about how you know you person is your soulmate, and how to be OK with not being with them: http://thoughtcatalog.com/kate-bailey/2014/06/16-unconventional-signs-youve-found-your-soulmate/
2016/01/20 at 11:05 pm
Thank you for your words. Well put!
2016/01/30 at 2:19 am
I had to make the painful decision to stop talking to someone myself. He said he loved me but none of his actions showed it. After 3 years of knowing this man and going through a repetitive cycle of leaving each other alone, I finally realized I could no longer take the pain anymore. So I let it go… ?
2016/01/30 at 8:19 pm
Do you know how many times I’ve typed “I miss you” in a text but then deleted it before sending? Sometimes I think I’m too strong for my own good, but I have enough self esteem to know that I need someone who will fight for me, not to mention grow up and give me something real. In the past, he chose romantic partners for all the wrong reasons, like thinking they were the one he was “supposed” to be with, but then got disillusioned when he realized they felt all wrong. We had a chemistry that blew the two of us away, and I’m not even talking sexual chemistry only. He called me or texted me every single day we were together, and we were as attracted to each other when we broke up as the day we were when we met. It was a metaphysical thing and a deep friendship, and believe me, I never believed in that kind of stuff before meeting him. I feel sorry for him the day he wakes up and realizes he let his true soulmate walk away. At least I know that I saw it for what it was, but sometimes that makes it harder for me to live with not being with him, you know? Sometimes I wish I was in denial like he was.
2016/01/31 at 12:30 am
I’m 50 and I fell hard for this woman I met through work. She was a few years older and I was married, she wasn’t. She broke my heart because she felt I was having a midlife crisis and it wasn’t true love for me. That was two years ago and I still want her in my life, but at the time I believed she might be right. I had no confidence to stand up to her, make her believe it was real and end my relationship which was dead anyway (I am since divorced). She is now seeing someone but I wonder what would happen if I contacted her. I don’t want to bother her if she’s finally let go and movedd on.
2016/01/31 at 12:34 am
Jake, I am 29 and I fell hard for someone I shouldn’t have. That doesn’t mean I had a quarter life crisis. If I was 15, would it mean it was just puppy love? I”m not sure why we have a need to label everything and demean everything. Love is love. If you know you want her, no matter your ages, go back for her. You learned the hard way not let other people influence you and you got out of your unsatisfying relationship, come out strong knowing what you want. Sorry, I’m a hopeless romantic.
2016/02/02 at 3:27 pm
I had to be harsh to him in order to break free. He kept hurting me over and over and stringing me along, so it was the only way out for me. Now here I am, almost a year later. Today, I have a much more objective understanding of the situation and I realize the mistakes that I made too — for one thing, I put a lot of pressure on him, which is typically not my style but we were in a very unique situation that was bound to make anyone feel insecure. Until those last final moments I was never cruel and I never shut him out. I just had to do what I had to do to protect myself and let go.
The only problem is, I thought I’d be completely over him by now. I still think about him. Every. Single. Day.
Can you write a story about how to get over that? A lobotomy, maybe?
2016/02/02 at 3:31 pm
How were you cruel, Cindita? Why was it complicated? Has you contacted you since? I guess now you know your answer. If he really loved you and knew you like you wanted him to, and most importantly if he wanted you in his life you would have heard from him by now. Sorry to say that but it’s true. I am sorry you still love him, but that’s the way it goes. He probably thinks of you too but he’s too weak in some way to tell you he misses you. You don’t need a weak man like that in your life. I waited for one to come around and it only ended in heartbreak. Unless he truly changed you should be happy he’s not messing with your head anymore. I’m assuming that’s what he did, because that’s what they all do.
2016/02/02 at 7:17 pm
My last words to him were harsh, only because I was devastated and it was the only way I could get out of the painful cycle we were in. He couldn’t give me what I needed and I wouldn’t accept anything less. But probably the real reason I finally said goodbye is because he couldn’t tell me with confidence that I was the love of his life. Even though I’m a strong woman, that was the one thing I needed to hear. I was willing to go through the fire with this man, and I needed to know he would do the same.
This past year was so hard, and I have found peace through work, family and friends. But I still love him and probably always will. Even though it was a crazy three years, I learned so much from him and miss the friendship, passion and laughter we shared. Of course, I hope he misses me too, and it’s hard to imagine that he doesn’t, after all we went through together.
I wish I could tell him how I feel and that I hope he is happy. I’ve wanted to check in on him a million times to see how he’s doing, but was afraid he had moved on and I knew that would kill me. Today, it crushes me to not have him in my life at all, even as a friend.
2016/02/09 at 12:56 am
I met this man not too long ago who, at first, just seemed beautiful on the outside. As we spent time together, I came to know that his beauty ran much much deeper. He was a creative soul. He had such a tender gentleness that spoke to every molecule of my being. Laying with our hands clasped, dancing in his kitchen, cold night spent with movies watching us. He made every effort to have me around. He truly made me feel alive. I realized that I was falling in love. Whatever pride, hurt, sadness would peak its head as a defense mechanism and I showed it him-twice. I never attacked him personally but I would show signs of being flaky. Boy am I living in regret because he says he is not ready to be with anyone. He told me he was thankful that I tried to fix things and it showed character and with that, our budding friendship was over. It felt much like I death of a friend. I tried to reach out to him because I told him(and meant it 110%) that I would fight for him and that he was worth it. To no avail. I am somewhere in the grieving process. I am no longer in denial or shock. I do feel anger, sadness, restlessness(not to the degree I once felt). I remember nights, I’d just watch the time go by on the clock, tossing and turning feeling almost like a stranger in my own skin. The disbelief made me sick. I felt like I had forsake God’s blessing because I prayed for a man like him for a long time and there he was. I was not aware that I had a lot of work I needed to do on myself but this “relationship” showed me exactly what I was lacking. I know now more than ever what I need to change in me and his pain will not go in vain, nor will mine. The men are coming out of the woodwork but none of them are him. I think I will just take time to care for myself because I can’t even imagine spending time with another man. It felt so organic to be with this man. It felt like home. I do not have that anymore. I want to fight for him and show him his love is safe with me but there is a part of me that wants him to be free and happy and healthy. If it is not with me, so be it. I love him that much. One thing is true, he has taught me a lot about myself, I otherwise would not have learned and he has pushed me closer to God. I thank him for that. I love him for that. I am just sorry he is the lesson. I wish for him all the best this world can offer him even if it is not me. My love is true and I will carry the memories with me because those belong to me.
I wish you all the love and peace.
Thank You, for sharing this article. Your ex was a fool to not fight for you.
2016/02/11 at 11:15 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been a widow for 14 years. He passed to Jesus at a very young age. I didn’t date for 9 years. Tonight I let someone go that I love and thought I would finish my life out with because it was the right thing to do. May we all find the love and happiness we so desire. God bless you for sharing your heart!
2016/03/21 at 11:20 am
Thank you for your heartfelt story, VL. For a long time I tried telling him, we met when we were 16, lived together for a short while and departed experiencing our own lives but always caught up every few years and never lost touch. After 26 years, three years ago we got together and we connected intimately. When we started to live together things changed and family interferences from both sides. We loved passionately, finally he moved out with both our Mothers making there presence known as if we both had no thoughts and feelings of our own. He went to Thailand, walked the larapinta trail without any phone, pretty much did whatever he wanted because I loved him so much I wanted him to feel free. Then he left again and in my heart I felt there was no commitment just words. words to suffice the relationship. After he shared some back tracking stories about seeing ex school friend with their husband then later explained the lunch date was just with his school friend and made the comment she was overweight. Again he shared another story to say he was late from work then later told me he went to a topless bar with his boss and even went as far to describe the women as if she was unattractive and could not see the point of her being topless. I then decided not to contact him or answer his calls, conveniently I went out where there was no phone service. He knew I was going out, at the time I did not know how long I would be out with my cousin at her bush block. But he blamed me for not telling him how long I would be and that he was worried about me, yet I was telling him how hard it was that we are once again living apart and his own choice. Finally I said it is best we say our goodbyes. he then in anger responded with he could not take it anymore and I could get stuffed. All what you described VL is how I feel and all I can say this time he is far away and I just have to be strong to not answer any calls or make any contact.
2016/03/24 at 10:36 pm
Wow it’s like you are writing my story of my break up. I knew I had to say goodbye but it’s so hard. This article helped me so much. Thank you!!
2016/06/17 at 2:06 am
It’s always easier to say than do..we give this advice out, but when it’s our turn, it just seems like the world is in chaos. For me, I first met the woman who stole my heart on the phone. The minute I heard her voice the very first time, I was stunned and immediately got lost in it. I became flush, my heart started racing and all of a sudden, life just made sense. We talked about business and for the first time ever, I made sure to make a reason to call back. The anticipation to call her back was amazing. I remember days would go by waiting for the time. Over four months, we spoke about business and our personal lives. I once told myself, who cares what she looks like, her personality and voice had me! And mind you, I didn’t have any problems banging young hot girls. The problem with them, it was emotionally empty. Then one day on the phone, she didn’t understand something, so I took the opportunity for her to come for an appointment. She cancelled twice and the just showed up one day. in retrospect, this door should never ever been opened. In my eyes, she was beautiful. She took my heart. Over the course of two months, we spoke and made another appointment for her to come in. I was doomed and should have just moved on. Here’s the problem. She was married, but having difficulties in it. The first time I met her face to face, I recognized something was off in life and I knew she was married from day one. The forth time we meet, she came in the office crying. She explained her husband was arrested the night before for domestic violence against her. Well, let’s say, she stood by him during the entire legal battle. After that day, I befriended her and we would talk and Text quite often, but befriending was for the wrong reason…fast forward sixteen months, she still with a man who treats her like a doormat and has no connection emotionally. I told her the other day she stole my heart, maybe to see what type of reaction…the only reaction was she ceased all communications and has distanced herself from me… I’m lost and realize we were never going to happen. Maybe she’s doing me a favor but why can’t people just say tell the other person, sorry, I don’t feel that way, or something….even in a text, who cares, it’s called closure…I’m trying to move forward. , tbh, I never felt this way about a woman and its out of my character to have gone through these lengths..
2016/06/29 at 7:09 pm
Its funny as I read this I realised it could have been written for me and my life right now. Every word is true. Every feeling and I dont know how I will cope with the fallout to follow. After 5 years of devotion and love. Yes we passed through some bad times and I stood by her and supported her. Gave her so many chanced when she hurt me, always making excuses for her. But when it comes to the crunch its far from easy. I read the messages from others and I agree maybe the other person does not love you enough of deserve your love but its not that easy when the love and pain are real. But thank you to who started this. Maybe it will help as I pass through the stages.
2016/07/09 at 3:08 am
People don’t fight for what they love anymore…
‘ “I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want” but yesterday, you did. Now, I sit in my car and all I want is to …run to you, when all I truly need is to see you coming my way …and stay.
I … adore you, and I will for a very, very long time’
How in earth can anyone move on if the love of your life, the one that makes you laugh when sad, is not next to you?
I guess I am an old fashion gal; distractions are just that, nothing more ( my personal opinion)
I am not discouraged, but I find this emotional pain as a continous agony. I just can’t comprehend how can anyone who says:
“You are the love of my life” lets you walk away and not to mention trying to come around with the solution, expecially when there is one.
Should I hope?
This hope might bring in some disappointment, and after that more pain..
I can’t even think of that “think positive” nonsense.
Sometimes I feel that I ask for too much, does fighting for the ones you love, despite everything, seems too much? –
2016/08/24 at 5:33 am
The person who initially posted their experience of leaving someone who is still alive is what I am going through right now. 11 years I raised my partner’s children as my own and here I am now today; 8 months since I left; having not seen the love of my life or so I believed he was. It definitely feels like a death. And here I lay crying and I did a search for how to cope with life after love and this post pops up. Thank you. You have helped me more than you know!
2016/10/31 at 6:47 pm
Unfortunately, there is times we have to admit to ourselves our position in the relationship. Losing someone we love is never easy on any level. I had everything I ever wanted, married, 2 sons, and a nice house. Then one day my wife told me she was leaving, I came home and everything and everyone was gone, just me in in the house with the crap that wasn’t good enough to take. I had no bed to sleep in anymore, no fridge to eat out of. I had lost everything. I didn’t know what to do, drank most nights away and cried others. My career was out west at the time and all my family was in the Northeast. I had no support system, I was on my own and had way to much pride to seek therapy. I didn’t understand what I needed to do, why this was happening to me, I tried to reconcile, begged and pleading in tears to no avail. I wasn’t happy, it affected aspects of my life, the most affected was my work ethic, I was stuck. I had trouble sleeping, I would wake up crying wondering when it would stop. I was getting desperate, I pleaded to God (I’m not religious at all, even today) but what more did I have to lose, next was my sanity. Then one day I walked out to get in my truck and the answer came out of nowhere, at first I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do as I sat in the driveway contemplating. What I did next was the one thing I was supposed to do 6 years before. I called my ex wife, I asked for 10 to 15 minutes of her time and she agreed. I said I never told you this before you left, how much I miss you, the smell of your skin, your hair and how I’m still in love with you. She was taken aback, and she said why are you telling me this it’s been 6 years. I replied, because I never told you this when I was supposed to and this is what I must say to let you go. That day, the weight that held me down was lifted, I felt so alive again just in that short amount of time. We maintain a friendship today, and she is remarried. I’m there to support her as the mother of our sons and be dad as much as I can (due to distance). We are not taught how to cope with loss, we are not taught adversity. We have to still let our feelings be known, accept the realization of what’s happening (it may not be right away), and to not be afraid to let go. It’s one of the hardest experiences I have ever known in my life.
2016/12/28 at 6:14 pm
Moving on, Hard thing to do. When things are one sided, and person knows how you feel ,then uses how you feel to play with your emotions. I will always Love this person,but till we understand where we stand the best thing is to move on till we can trust each other. My first Love
2017/04/05 at 1:18 am
I just want to personally thank the author, Veronica, for this column. It’s as if I wrote it myself. I do now feel more confident that it is time for me to say goodbye to my love, and that I can find a way to move on….for ME. I do know he will forever have a place in my heart. He did make me a better me, but he just refused to fight for me, for us, or dignify me with any responses to what were the root of the issues. Love has no age, and at 52, I’m hopeful that after all the stages I need to go through after ending this relationship, I will someday be able to find my true love and forever partner.
2017/06/12 at 6:01 pm
I’m in this situation right now with my best friend. I’m so torn. We rekindled our 20 year friendship three years ago. We were basically phone friends for the first 2 years,which is what I wanted as I set boundaries for myself and was afraid old feelings would rise up.
Slowly we started hanging out again, at first it was fine, I saw her as just a friend. One day back in January she was diagnosed with stage 3 to borderline 4 liver disease. The news broke my heart. I was there for her through this terrible period. One day she invited me over for dinner and when I saw her I no longer saw her as a friend. She looked so beautiful.
Finally, I got up the courage to tell her how I felt. To my surprise she told me that she thinks about me every day, cares so much about me as we have become so close and said she was falling in love with me.
I was on cloud nine. But later that evening as we talked about things she said she couldn’t be in a relationship with anybody due to her health situation, because it would be selfish of her and unfair to the other person.
I told her while I respected her feelings but said regardless of what level of friendship or relationship we have I will be heartbroken if she were to succumb to her disease.
She still struggles with alcohol and isn’t willing to quit. I’m not sure what to do. Having these feelings of love for her and caring for her is torturing me as I balance them with slowly backing out of her life. Do I just tell her because of my feelings I just cannot remain just being friends or do I stay around and be there for her. I’m really struggling with this and need advice.
2017/08/07 at 6:00 pm
Thank you for sharing these thoughts I’m about to say goodbye tomorrow evening to someone who has been part of my life for six years I’ve written a speech, tore it up and then sought help on the internet. I’m so grateful to have read your article, it’s given me courage to face that which I’ve been over thinking and rehearsing in my head for months. I know it’s the right thing to do and I’m dreading the moment, but I will think of your courage and it will make me stronger, please be well, stay strong in your courageous quest, I wish you only the best for your journey, Regards and my deepest thanks.
André
2018/04/07 at 8:08 am
This is my first time commenting on my story although I have read both sides. It is helpful to hear your stories and gain some insight in my own situation. I loved him with all of me but he never felt the same I think in some ways he wanted to but wasn’t ready. I knew in my heart he would eventually leave. We made no future plans because he knew there was no future. I fooled myself into holding on to him because I couldn’t bare the pain of not having him anymore. He finally told me he didn’t love me anymore and he was done with me. I was completely heartbroken. I haven’t spoken to him since. I still love him and I miss him but I have accepted that I wasn’t what he needed and in saying that out loud makes complete sense now. I wanted to say goodbye to him in person and tell him how much I loved him and let my feelings and love for him go. A friend told me you can’t make someone love you and I believe that now. I still pray for him and his family and I wish them all the best. It is hard to let go when you lose someone. I guess just beginning to walk away now but it is hard. God bless
2019/01/24 at 11:11 pm
My heart feels so heavy. I walked away from my love last night. I feel like I was giving up on love. We have been going through this for a couple months him telling me he doesn’t want to be with anyone and then pulling me back in and then being suspicious like I’m lying to him about talking to other guys, but then telling me I’m not supposed to like him or at least not like only him. I love him so it was very hard. He would pull me back in just enough to keep me hoping that maybe just maybe things would change but he has an ex that he is struggling to grieve from as well and I recognize that I was just making the whole situation worse. He cared for me and didn’t want to hurt me. He wanted and maybe even needed my comfort but he was refusing to open up to me, saying things like he is numb to loving back, like he is unable. I think we all know that is untrue when the right person comes along. It sucks that that right person wasn’t me. I feel like I can’t breathe and I hate walking away. I already want to return, but I know that he needs to heal and so do I. I feel like I gave up on love. He is worthy of fighting for and so it really sucks. I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this way…
2019/03/16 at 9:45 am
Wow
I needed this I
Am a mess I am trying to get passed my current year and a half long divorce we were married for
10 years and I am an ability mess thank you this was truly amazing