I clearly remember the night I went into labor with my first child. It was around 6 p.m. on July 6, 1991—my 5th wedding anniversary. The pains started slowly at first, leaving time to celebrate with Thai food (that did not stay with me long) and for my husband to vacuum the house (last minute nesting?). Hours later I found out my doctor was on vacation and hours after that a nurse told me the umbilical cord might be wrapped around my baby’s neck hence the long labor. It was not an ideal birth.
Then at 11:18 a.m., after a suction marathon by a fill-in doc with very strong Popeye-like arms, I heard the infant cry and that fateful announcement, “It’s a girl!”
While I never really told my child, I had secretly wanted a boy. I had grown up a girl, had a sister and I guess I just wanted the experience of having a boy. I had the manly name of “Jack” ready to go on that birth certificate with visions of watching him catch the winning touchdown and put a nurturing arm around me when I had a walker and gray hair. Instead, I had “Hallie.” A healthy baby girl by all biological sex standards, plus all 10 toes, big eyes and an Apgar score off the charts.
My quiet disappointment faded and blossomed into intense love and admiration for my brilliant though different child. Hallie liked playing with dolls (if only to make up stories) and discovered Harry Potter at age 5 before entering a gifted program a year later. The kid liked dresses until about age 7 then came a Gothic black clothing phase with short blonde hair and goofy glasses. While I sometimes wondered about Hallie’s sexuality, I didn’t think much about my baby’s gender again until 13 years later when I heard the words “Mom…I’m transgender.”
Now keep in mind this was before Chaz Bono had come out, or Laverne Cox had made a splash on Orange is the New Black. I chalked up this announcement to adolescence and an article in Oprah’s magazine about a transgender man with a female partner. At the time the response had been rolled eyes; my 13-year-old identified as a lesbian but reminded me that this was not the same as being transgender. Apparently some thinking had been done since then. I later found out that my kid had gone on to do further research and had found a slew of vlogs (video blogs) from other trans youth online—it was those more than the article in Oprah that precipitated this coming-out.
We let this announcement simmer for a while. When high school started, Hallie began to present publicly as a boy and shortened his name to Hal. We sought both psychologist and psychiatrist counseling and diagnosis, putting my kiddo through the ringer with insulting pronouns, denial and far too many sessions at the Seattle Children’s Hospital. He was miserable, and soon became depressed.
Looking back, what we should have done is totally trusted our child. As parents, however, we like to think we know best and are doing things “in the best interest of our child.” We didn’t want to make any decisions that we or they would regret later in life. Eventually, however, we realized that Hal knew himself best. I will never forget the night I questioned him for the zillionth time and he looked at me with tears in his eyes outside karate class and said, “Mom, why would I choose this?” It broke my heart and shut me up for good.
My husband and I sought help, and attended an amazing support group with other parents of transgender children, some as young as 2 and as old as 35. They were all over the gender spectrum: female-to-male, male-to-female, questioning and non-binary. These were our kids and despite societal “norms” of gender, it didn’t really matter what was between their legs that made us love them. It was their personalities and hearts and souls.
From there we got into serious research mode, finding out how to legally change Hallie’s name to Hal; getting the correct gender noted on his driver’s license and passport, about hormones (long-term health impacts vs. psychological benefits), and eventually, top surgery. It was not an easy journey. Hal was verbally bullied in school, and most of his teachers did not pay attention when he told them that he was trans and wanted to be referred to with “he/him” pronouns. We also had to gently tell our aging parents they had a grandson; and aggressively fight for my son’s right to use the bathroom of his identified gender at his high school (we won!). Hardest of all was facing the mental health of my younger child, a girl, who pretended it was “all OK.” She, at age 11, offered meaningful support to Hal, but did not properly get to process and missed out on parental attention during the years Hal transitioned socially.
Today Hal is awaiting college acceptance letters and has a boyfriend. I am thankful my kids live in a fairly liberal community that is pretty accepting. I know that is not true throughout the country or world over. People are murdered for being trans, especially women, especially women of color. I know of another trans couple who fled their home in the South in fear of having their child taken away by the state. But times are changing. Over the past several years more media focus on celebrities, children’s books, legal cases, school laws and unfortunately violence has resulted in positive headlines about some amazing transgender people.
My son is one of them —and I couldn’t be prouder.
2014/04/28 at 4:42 pm
Wonderful letter, brave son and brave parents. Owning up to real life is hard for all of us, and to do it with such love and understanding tells me Hal has great parents. Thank you Courtney, and thanks to those throughout your community who struggled with how they too could grow and support him and his family.
2014/04/28 at 5:44 pm
Hal is my nephew, Courtney is my sister and I feel lucky to have them both in my life. I live in conservative Texas and having Hal in my life has opened my world up and made me more compassionate and understanding of differences. I never considered myself to be particularly biased towards transgender folks, but I definitely misunderstood them. We grew up in New Orleans, where men dress like women, drag shows are the norm and that is what I thought it was about. Gay men having fun. I never really considered what it must feel like to be born into the wrong body, and how brave it was for Hal to sort this out at a young age and make his voice heard. He has opened up my world and I know now that gender is different from sexuality, that there are some folks that don’t identify with either gender, and that…like every human being, they have rights to express themselves and have opportunities like everyone else. We take using the bathroom and being referred to as a pronoun for granted. I hope more and more folks take a moment to put themselves in other’s shoes and just keep an open mind.
2014/04/28 at 11:02 pm
Courtney, this is so beautiful. Hal is so lucky to have you as a mother. The open-minded, caring and loving person you are has so much to do with the amazing person he has become. Thank you for sharing your amazing story.
2014/04/29 at 2:51 am
Court…..what an amazing article. I have watched your family endure the challenges, grow together, and learn together. I am so proud of your entire family. It is so good to see how happy and fulfilled that Hal is now. You are great parents and have two amazing children!
2014/04/29 at 6:12 am
Court
This is a beautiful tribute to Hal. You are a wonderful devoted mother and advocate. I am so proud of Hal for staying true to the person he knows he is. Equally important is the message of unconditional love and support he has received from his family and friends. Now on to college where he will, without a doubt, have opportunity to share his gifts and talents, which are abundant.
2014/04/29 at 5:49 pm
Thank you very much for such an honest, informative article. My children are the age of “the talk”. I have tried to give them as much knowledge as possible including that we hope some day they find their “soul mate” whomever it may be. I missed the transgender portion but recently my son brought it up. While I was trying to explain it I realized I did not know what I was talking about and my son did a better job educating me. I look forward to opening the discussion up again and discussing your article with my kids.
2014/05/01 at 2:57 pm
Sensitive and insightful story. Thank you for sharing it.
2014/05/03 at 1:20 am
Courtney,
I have been so impressed by the openness and honesty of your family. I knew it wasn’t a straight line from Hal telling you the news to your acceptance and support of his needs. What a lovely thing that you all found that love is love and the rest is all about Hal and your daughter being happy and true to themselves. Many good wishes for the future of you all. I’m sure Hal will find a community in college that supports his educational and personal needs.
All the best to your family.